Creative Obligation
Can a person feel guilty doing the activities they enjoy?
Lately, I have been stuck in a mindset of what I would call a feeling of “Creative Obligation.” What do I mean you ask? Well, I’ll tell ya!
Whenever I find myself with free time, or whenever I am debating in my mind of what I want to do at a given moment, I have this overwhelming feeling of obligation to create or work on my photography. I feel guilty if I choose to spend that time doing something else such as video games or, god forbid, taking a nap. This feeling of obligation to be creative seems to keep increasing as I get older. I know, I know. You’re going to say, “You’re not that old!” Yeah, well, I am feeling it! Ugh.
There are so many shows and movies that are on my radar but when I am thinking about sitting down to watch an episode, again, I feel like my time would be better spent working on photographs etc. Also, reading books, oh my god, so many books… I have an entire library full of books that are waiting to be read. Even if these shows, movies or books are for creative inspiration, I still feel as though I should be working in the darkroom, editing on my computer or even getting out of the house to go photographing. This mindset makes me miss out on so much beauty from other artists and those very mediums that have kept me inspired throughout the years to become, and to continue to be an artist.
I feel that to create things and share them with others is my main purpose in life and it is what I am supposed to be doing. While I do find that statement to sound incredibly pretentious, (I did go to art school after all where pretentiousness reigns supreme) creating art is one of the only things that has always felt absolutely right all my life. Simple line drawings as a pre-teen, paintings in jr. high, photography manifesting itself in high school and college along with many more visual arts as part of my college career ultimately achieving a double major in photography and ceramics.
I’m also feeling increasingly drawn back to branching out into being a multi-media artist and not solely focusing on photography (though, clearly photography is what I am best at and most passionate for).
A few weeks ago, my sister texted me with the question if had I done any ceramics lately. I sadly had to reply that I hadn’t since I graduated college. That’s over 15 years that I have not touched clay. That’s incredibly heartbreaking!
I have also had difficulty harping on the past and thinking about how much I could have done when I instead made the choice of doing something else. This focusing on the past has been negatively affecting my personal commitment of ensuring I strive to live in the moment and appreciate the here and now every day.
My main focus in life is, and always will be, to concentrate on my family more than any of the other stuff. Including my art. They are the most important, enriching and rewarding aspect of every day. Perhaps I have been spending too much time on these feelings of obligation to create and not enough time on my family. The urges are very strong however, when I become hyper-focused on something.
Anyway, not sure that this was worthy or necessary to write into a blog post. But then again, what really determines that anyway. It’s cathartic.
Oh! New gallery uploads!
Keeping each category to four images each as to not be overwhelming.
As always, thank you for reading!
~C