Coming to the end of my Leave of Absence and to terms with my mental health.
Well, Friday will officially mark my first day back to work as my leave of absence comes to an end. I am on the fence as to how I feel about this however. I was hopeful that I would be reinvigorated and ready to return and get back to business.
With the job becoming increasingly more stressful for store managers over the last couple years than it has ever been in the seventeen that I have been with Starbucks, I find that I am still mentally uncertain of how to proceed successfully for myself, the business and my partners(they deserve a boss that can create an environment they can enjoy).
There is a reason we are cycling through store managers as a company faster than we can hire them. The only ones that seem to be able to keep up are the younger ones in the work force that do not have families or other more important obligations outside of work. They are the ones that can dedicate 70+ hours a week working the extra hours/shifts to cover callouts and the extra work that keeps increasing year after year and has become the status quo. Yet, they are being pushed too far and we are losing these young store managers as well.
It is unfortunate that it has come to this. I really used to love my job. And I still want to love my job. I worked goddamn hard to be where I am. I worked goddamn hard to build my store in Stoughton from the ground up and make it successful. I don’t want to hate going to work every day. It really sucks to say, “work sucks.”
There is so much more that contributed to the decline in my physical health and my mental breakdown. I could go on and on about work and the reasons why I ultimately had to take this leave. The reality is I became a shell of who I know I am and who I am capable of being both at work and at home. I am not the manager I once was and I hate that. I am certainly not the husband and the father I want to be and that I need to be. I hate that much much more.
So, I realized that I needed to be selfish for once. I needed to put myself first in order to heal and get better. Only then would I have the stability and fortitude to be capable of taking care of others. Especially for my loved ones at home. Afterall, they are the reason I do what I do every day. This realization, however, was very difficult for me to accept. I have always had the tendency to put others’ happiness ahead of my own. It has been this way since before I can remember. It has always been a part of my own humanity. Though, I should have known that it could not be sustainable and would one day catch up to me.
Mental health cannot be understated in today’s society. There is so much being thrown at us on a daily basis it boggles the mind. I believe there is a good argument to be had for such a thing as too much connection. Certainly, no one could deny that we are subjected to too much information(especially when so much of what is being perpetuated is false). Our human minds have not evolved fast enough to keep up with the ever increasing evolution of technology. We are primitives that have been given the gift of fire and instead of keeping it contained in a nice manageable pit, we got so excited with our new toy that we let the flames spread out quickly into the grass, fields and hills. Now, when we look out at our world, we see the confusing and chaotic blaze that is our lives.
Growing up, it was seen as a stigma to need pills for any type of mental condition. You would hear whispers in the halls if someone was found out to be taking anti-depressants etc. You were considered a freak or a loser. Back then, I remember telling myself I was never going to resort to pills to solve my problems. I’d just tough it out and “be a man about it.” Currently, I am now taking both anti-depressant & anti-anxiety medications(with the added bonus of daily stress migraines which require yet another medication). In fact, I would be hard pressed to know of anyone not taking one or the other. We are so overwhelmed in so many aspects of our daily lives and it’s not ok!
I am terrified of the world that Ella might be growing up in. The odds are stacked against even a neurotypical child let alone an autistic child. Are we going to come around as a society and see what is happening right in front of our faces and try to find a solution? Or will we continue to rely on governments and pharmaceutical companies to just give us more and more pills, pat us on the shoulder and say, “Carry on good citizen. You can go back to work now!”? I really hope it is the former.
That went down a path that I was not really intending to when I started this blog post… It kind of went a bit dark there eh?…
Well, after all of that depressing shit, it must be said that this leave of absence has provided me with much needed rest, some time for self-reflection, contemplation and, of course, it allowed my family and I to take the greatest and most memorable road trip I have ever been on in my life. I would be a liar if I said it hasn’t been beneficial. I am beyond grateful that I was able to have this time at home with my family and to be able to take them across the country for an unforgettable ride that I will cherish forever.
I may not know if I am ready to return to work and get back into the swing of things the way in which I wanted to, but I shudder to think what my mental stability would be like right now had I not taken this time for myself to heal, at least in part, emotionally, mentally and physically. I am in a better place for myself and my family. And that is all that matters.
However, as with any time away from work, I only wish it could last longer.
I’ll end this blog post with an inspirational quote from the artist Wayne White. He is the genius behind much of the puppetry and set design for Peewee’s playhouse, many music videos for bands such as the Smashing Pumpkins as well as an endless array of brilliant works of art. There is an AMAZING documentary about him called “Beauty is Embarrassing” which I highly recommend. It will inspire you and uplift your soul. You can find the trailer here: Beauty is Embarrassing
Anyway, this quote is from that documentary and is what I interpret as Wayne White’s personal version of Carpe Diem;
- “Man, you’re only going to be alive if you’re lucky 80, 90 years? And that’s it. That’s all you’ve got. So why not? What does it fucking matter? Fuck man…get on it!”
~Cory
